Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The best job I could imagine

Another blog I follow just posted the most beautifully written account of her first few weeks with her second child.  She touched on how fulfilled she is by just being a mom.  That phrase is something I have struggled with for quite some time- just being a mom.  I love being a mom, more than I probably ever thought I would.  I think I was secretly blessed when I was laid off while pregnant with Nathaniel.  At the time I panicked, thinking about all the "stuff" babies need and how we would possibly pay for it all, but miracle of all miracles we did.  We survived without the extra income and suddenly the thought of being a stay at home mom didn't seem so far fetched or unattainable.  My initial thoughts when pregnant was that I would try and work 4 days a week and Tom would continue his 4 day a week schedule helping us only have to send the new baby to daycare 3 days a week.  At the time that seemed reasonable, it gave each of us a day alone with the baby but let us continue with 2 incomes.  Well after Nathaniel arrived and I held that sweet baby in my arms I knew in my heart of hearts that was it for me.  No job, no amount of money could pry that sleeping babe from my arms again.  Although it felt right to me I struggled with the decision to stay home.  I went to a fairly expensive school that I took massive loans out to pay for.  I don't regret the decision to go to school there because it led me to Tom and ultimately these 2 boys who I couldn't love more but if I were talking to an 18 year old now I would tell them to really think about the long term decision of so many student loans but I digress.  That overpriced education, albeit amazing, was part of the reason I struggled with stay at home mommyhood.  I constantly felt judged for liking staying home, like being a mom wasn't enough.  It never helped that I felt pressure from my mother in law, who regrets being only a stay at home mom. I let the feelings I had cloud my mind for the first few months of being a mom and I wish I hadn't.  Looking back on it now I let those feelings interfere with my truly embracing being home and loving my days alone with Nathaniel.  I probably suffered from a bit of depression, whether postpartum or otherwise and those first days when I should have been over the moon were plagued by indecision and regret.  Recently I was sitting in bed with Tom snuggling sleeping Jackson between the two of us and I just blurted out "this is enough".  Tom was mostly asleep and basically grumbled "what the hell are you talking about?" I let him sleep instead of trying to have a deep philosophical conversation with someone who would just grunt in return but I did bring it up the next night after dinner. "This is enough" I stated again.  Enough.  That word gets a bad rap but in my case it couldn't be more fitting.  My life, in this very moment is enough.  Enough sweetness, enough love, enough fulfillment.  My struggle to accept judgement over my decisions will probably never end but at least for now it takes a back burner.  A back burner to snuggling my boys on snow days while watching Curious George for the millionth time, to spending the afternoon baking cookies with Nathaniel and teaching him to scoop and stir, to watching as something I taught either boy really sinks in and they put their newest skill to the test.  This life that probably sounds boring or mundane is just what I want.  I lay in bed at night and I have never felt more blessed.  Being a mom is more than I could have hoped for.  I can't lie and say every day is easy or fun because they aren't but they even on the hardest days I still feel like I won the lottery.  I couldn't imagine a better job than raising these 2 (and hopefully more) babies, teaching them about life, and being a good person.  This is the job I think I was destined for and the best job I could ever imagine having- where else do you get paid in smiles, kisses and hugs?  Will I feel this way in 10 years when they are in school, who knows but for now, it's enough.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Days 3 and 4- 31 Day Challenge


Still linking up with The Nester for her 31 days challenge!

Yesterday was a wash.  I knew we would be traveling to Pittsburgh and didn't plan ahead to have a post ready so I am already a little off on my posts. I figured I would just share a few moments that have been on my mind yesterday since I don't have any pictures from yesterday. 

There are things that Nathaniel does everyday that I hope I never forget.  He is at a fun age where he is still learning so much especially how to communicate with us.  His vocabulary increases everyday and there are times when Tom and I look at each other and say "did you teach him that word?" It is one of the best parts of being a mom, watching the littles grow and learn new things.  One of my favorite new things Nathaniel has learned is that when I go in and get him from bed in the mornings (before dawn these days, how do you tell a 2 year old to stay in bed when it's still dark outside?) he will sit up look right at me wave and say "hi mom."  It's the way he says it and the little wave.  It melts me everyday and definitely helps when I am exhausted.  Seriously kids are so lucky they are cute because when they do something bad they have a way of looking adorable and making you forget why you are mad.

Jackson is equally as cute but in his chubby little 4 month old ways.  He has the biggest open mouthed grins that I just can not get enough of these days.  My favorite smiles are when Tom is holding him and I enter a room.  When Jackson sees me or hears my voice he just grins like the Cheshire cat.  It's amazing and makes me feel so special.  Jackson's little moment that I hope I never forget is  the cuddles I get in bed these days.  I am one of those bad mommas who brings the baby to bed for his middle of the night nursing session and somehow he never makes it back to the crib.  Truly most of the time I end up passing out as well but somedays I just want to cuddle my warm little baby.  I know that my days of sharing my bed with him are limited so I don't want to miss out now while I can.  He is so warm and snuggly.  The best part is when he starts waking up in the morning and he stretches so big and then he farts.  haha! If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I thought a fart was cute I would have had a different answer.  But Jacksons little farts in the morning just crack me up.  I love these moments

We have lots of errands and running around to do today but I will try and snap some Iphone pics so tomorrows post isn't quite as boring!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day 2- 31 Day Challenge

When I had Nathaniel I was the queen of documenting every single coo, smile and laugh.  I have thousands and thousands of pictures.  I took his picture every month for his baby book and was diligent about making sure I took pictures of him with his grandparents and great grandparents.  Poor little Jackson, my sweet second child, is already getting the shaft.  It's ten times harder to document every single moment of his life while I have a 2 year old trying to rip the camera from my hands while screaming CHEESE.  I hope this challenge forces me to get better about taking pictures of Jackson. I am the third of 4 children and it's amazing the lack of pictures of me and my younger sister.  I was always annoyed by it but now I get it, sorry for bugging you about it Mom!
I am showcasing just my handsome blue eyed boy today! He is only 4 months old but he is already one of the most expressive, happy babies I have ever been around.  I hope he stays this way forever

Jackson's sweet little face melts me into a puddle of mush (he was lying down which is why all these are turned this way)


does it get any better than a sweet baby sleeping on your chest


I love his precious little face and I hope when he is 20 I can still remember this big toothless grin and smiley eyes.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Day 1- 31 day challenge

As part of this 31 day challenge one of my biggest goals is to document my average day to day with the boys.  It's amazing to me how quickly time goes when you have a little one running around.  I have heard the phrase "the days are long but the years quick" more times than I could count but it never rand more true than when Nathaniel was born.  I have been blessed in that I am able to stay home with the boys.  I have beautiful memories of my days at home with Nathaniel, playing, eating, cuddling and napping together.  It truly was a magical year getting to know him and growing as a mommy.  Now as a mom of 2- a 2 year old and a 4 month old, it's a whole new ball game.  Long gone are the peaceful days of playing or cuddling.  Now I have a 2 year old who doesn't sit still, is working on potty training (a post in and of itself) and deems any use of the word no by me to be the biggest injustice in life.  Jackson is as needy as any typical 4 month old could and should be but gone are the days of sitting for hours rocking my sleeping baby.  I spend my days rocking, burping, feeding, playing, singing, coloring, wrestling, calming, and pretty much any other action you could think of with both.  My hands are busy but my heart is so full.  I didn't find out about this challenge until about 9 pm last night which meant that today's post wasn't well thought out, but that's fine, since that is my life these days.  I don't have beautifully executed and well thought out photos to share but again that is my life.  I am going to share some moments that I captured on my iphone recently because these are the ones I hope I never forget.
sitting in the "potty" (bumbo seat) in the tub


cuddling before sunrise watching cartoons with my favorite 2 year old

they will find you, and shoot car McQueen under the door at your feet

lining up our favorite car guys

coloring in a big box makes a rainy day go fast

"baby jack needs a hat"

big boy undies and a red headband-perfectly acceptable

I never get tired of cuddling this sweet, smooshy face

daddy and baby jacks sleeping in

two boo boos this week- a fat lip and a black eye.  playgrounds are not for the faint of heart

this sweet boy passedout during tummy time and crossed his little feet- melts my heart

all dressed up and no where to go! ha!
That's it for today, hopefully I get myself more organized for tomorrow

Monday, September 30, 2013

31 days of moments

I found a challenge that a few of the bloggers I love are doing it.  Basically I am promising to write every day for the month of October.  I chose the topic of family and I plan on focusing on life's little moments with my sweet babies.  Nathaniel has changed so much in 2 years and I know it will be the same for Jackson.  As a side note, it's totally true about taking less pictures of your second child so I want to remedy that.  I hope I can capture some of the best and worst parts of our days for the next month to have here and to look back at all the things that will change in just a short time.  I am linking up with The Nester for the challenge and I am already scared about the commitment but super excited to push myself!
Here goes nothing!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Just to talk

Sometimes I sit down to blog something and I swear to baby Jesus that nothing comes out.  Wait, I lie, things come out but then I erase it all and try and write what I think people will want to read.  I spend so much time writing, erasing and rewriting then nothing ever gets posted.  That wasted time is so annoying to me especially since I don't have any readers, or any that I know of! So I spend all this time worrying about what people will think of me, or my kids, or my husband when no one reads this damn thing.  That being said I think I will just start writing what feels good and honest because I think this could be a good way for me to look back at my life 10 years from now and hopefully say "damn you had a good life" and not "who the hell were you trying to fool?"

Moving on! I wanted to write a little about the boys and how amazingly different the 2 of them are turning out to be, I say this knowing full well that Jacks is only 7 weeks old and he will continue to change and probably prove me wrong over and over again.  Anyway when I first got pregnant with Jacks I was shocked at how different things felt.  I suddenly had morning sickness and was cursing myself for assuming that both of my pregnancies would be so easy going and fun.  After the initial curse of nausea wore off around 17 weeks the rest of the pregnancy was pretty nice, I didn't gain 300 lbs or get swelling or any of the other fun pregnancy stuff I just expected since I didn't have it with Nathaniel.  So my pregnancies were different, chalk that one up to chasing a 2 year old around while incubating another human.  I should've assumed that since things up to the end of pregnancy weren't the same that labor would be no different but like a silly school girl I again just assumed (what is that saying about assuming things again?) that my labors would be the same.  I got incredibly lucky with Nathaniel and was only in painful labor for less than 5 hours before he was born so why wouldn't my second labor but even easier, I mean don't they say the second time is faster?  Yeah well WRONG.  I was in labor for a full 24 hours with Jackson but luckily the crazy painful part wasn't that long thanks in part to the best epidural ever! So pregnancy and labor aside, I have 2 sons- boys are all the same right? BAH wrong again.  Nathaniel was one of the neediest babies ever although it wasn't entirely his fault.  I totally held him all day and night just looking at him and cooing at his every moment.  Hell you only get one baby once and you probably never get the chance to just fawn over a baby as much as you do with your first so I soaked up every minute of it.  Turns out that while I was right that I probably won't get to fawn over Jackson quite as much as I did Nathaniel it also created a little monster that wanted all of my attention all day and night.  So I created a not sleeping unless he was held, cute as a button monster.  Luckily I don't have all day to sit and gawk at Jackson, but don't get me wrong there is still a fair amount of gawking happening, I mean seriously who doesn't want to just cuddle a new baby?? Jackson just seems like a much more laidback baby, he's perfectly content to not be held all day.  He even likes the very expensive swing that I think we used a total of 10 minutes with Nathaniel.  He sleeps great at night has me spoiled with more sleep than I got in 6 months with Nathaniel. I probably just cursed myself by writing that out loud but the point of all this is that my boys are different.  One dark haired with blue eyes (Jackson) and one blonde with brown eyes (Nathaniel, duh), but for as different as they are they are similar.  Both are porkers who love to eat- hello 13 lb baby who has gained 5 lbs!! in 7 weeks haha, they both wrinkle their foreheads the same way and more importantly they are both my sweet babies. 
Trying to get a picture of my 2 boys on July 4th.